[ I've FOund A Corner To Cry ]

It's December again. so much happened at the end of this very month... and it happened again... I've done terrible things... I messed up his life. I'm obsessed. It's true.. I can't let him go. I kept denying those fact.. But . yeah.. I'm in denial. 

I wish you well... happy... good life... I don't hate you.. I just don't care anymore.

I came a loong way to confess.. but people already knew it. I've never been honest to myself or to some people. It's a way for me to be alive.. but in the end I died at my own trigger.

2009 to me is a veery long year. I still feel that I'm stuck there. I can't figure out where to start anew. last minute? Too late?

What do I get this December? Nothing... Just shit and a lot more of that coming. I'm leaving 2009 .. Just gonna start with ever I had now.. and hope nice things would happened. SO I've learnt my lesson well... 

I'm not alone.. But my soul is.

[ COSPLAY CONTEST ]

I don't know if anyone's viewing my blog.. but I need supporters!!!  I 've participated in the BREEZE Cosplay x J-Fashion Contest... The most "LIKE" will win!

Voting ends 18th December which had started weeks ago. Due Submission of photos ended on 30th November...

So I dressed up and make-up myself as Tim Burton's Mad Hatter from Alice In Wonderland

[ "you're terribly late you know?.. naughty"... a line from the movie which will come out in 2010 ]

Here's what you need to do:

1. Go to this link http://www.facebook.com/pages/Breeze-mag/158254485841 

2. Be a fan (just click "be a fan")

3. Then you don't need to search the pic just go this link for my entry 
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=2803014&id=158254485841

4. Click "like".. Add comments if you want

5. Done!!

Hope I get your full support... Thanx!!! If I win I'll treat Ice Cream. hehehhe Muah muah!

[ I'm Alive ]

"No matter how bad we fight, never switch off your phone"

26th July 2009-

I never walk out the house the same way again. I've been mugged. yes. Across the Sutera Harbour main road with no vehicles in sight.

3 males attacked me. Dark skin, fake malay accent, & bad breathe. I've tried running away. But my white flippies and wet grounds did not accelerate my escape. One of them managed to grab my left sleeves of my jacket and pulled me down the drain. I've landed on arm.

Wallet & my phone were taken. They kindly gave back my ID Card. Which I begged. Threatened to be stabbed if I ever tell anyone, I had to. They left with guiltless pace.

I stayed down afraid that they came back & might end me. With pain anchoring me down, I crawled up from the drain. Trying to stop any vehicles, as I expected.. they won't stop to help. People are so kind nowadays.

I walked barefoot not ever thinking of fetching my flippies though it's just metres away.

Upfront was a white van. on the sideways. I've paid them a visit. They looked at me terrified, the mother summoned her husband out of a hut (seems like a contractor workers which I think they have legal passes. Not that I thought of that at that time).
I told them what happened. I plead help, and a phone call was given. The only phone number in mind was Ricky's.

I don't blame the man's instinct of me having done some bad stuff to him. he made the call himself. Sobbing and flushing tears like the girl frm Mean Girls. The scene where Gretchen cracked in the toilet after blabbing about Ceaser and Brutus.

Anyways......

Ricky picked me up. He looked as shock as me. He said my face looked like a molten cheese cake. But that statement came after that night. I explained with panic volume turned on. He snapped me back to reality. I sentap and muted. He was doing the right thing.

We went to the police station at Karamunsing. Filed a report. The officers seem to care the "Jangan Lupa Lirik" show rather than my unfortunate event. I blame Aznil for that. it was a slow process. They're not typist but I have my patience. Ricky had to go back as he had things to attend. me and the abg2 police and police-nita went to the crime scene asking me to pose like Madonna's LV ad for forensic evidences. Not that they knew of that stuff.

After medical treatment and xray. I suffered bad bruises and sprained elbow. I walked out the ER and everybody looked at me as the "Lelaki tembam tak berbaju, berbalut d tgn".

Came back home.. made a few phone calls using mom's phone... I never thought I'm a target for robbery. Reading and knowing all those stories about people experiencing the same thing as me.. I'm actually, officially one of them.

Despite all that.. I got a number from a horny abg2 police. Lucky me

*SIGH*

[ Mr Panda 2009 ]

30th April 2009 - Q Bar.. where all the mixed orientation crowd were for the 2009 MR PANDA. I was there as well.. Eyeing on every each of the bulges. haha!

Q Bar

Beach Wear

Executive wear

Ice Breaking Session

Before The runway started

Casual Wear

Ermm.. One of my favourite

One of my favourite.. as well.

Heyaaaa!! can Anyone hear me??

Miss Lola.. Show Girl

Clement & Me

Bobby & Me

Ricky & Me

Agus & Me... ngeheheh... *click Like*

The event was slightly boring. Too much talking. It would be a good show if they cut down the unnecessary dialogues. It was fun though being there. it has been a while. Thanx to friends and ex's who're there that night. Till the next postings. bye bye..

[Smirk to save the world]

[ He'll never be me (last part)]

hello... ermm it has been a while since my last posting. it probably means that I'm out of idea or im just too busy.

to sum it all up. I am still out with Ricky. Awin is with an ugly dude named Syant. My life's almost perfect. Having an almost lover...

working.. wanting.. earning.

see how it goes.

[ He'll Never Be Me (part 2) ]

.... He broke-up with me at his place. That time I wasn't as astonished as the previous disintegration.. because I was expecting it. Along that 3 days he seem distracted by another contact. Who could it be? Awin obviously.

He said he couldn’t do it anymore. Hurting me, knowing the fact that something had happen. And he said he’s backing off as so to take responsibility of what he did. I’m quite befuddled by that excuse because... to me it wasn’t making any sense.

Another thing is… Ricky mentioned about not hurting 2 people at the same time. But alas he made a vow to Awin I think around Christmas 07.

It hurt so bad. Knowing that Ricky jumped to another person as not to let himself time to have that certain transition. Made me feel like being used for that 6 months period.

It took me months to recover. Ricky even lied to me that day when Awin came down to KK on December. Like that time… I called him like forever.. and he claims that he left his phone inside the car. And he claims that he went out with his cousins… but the fact was … he's not.

I felt like one of those girls in “John Tucker Must Die”.. minus the boobs and pussies.

Well.. then I’ve started to be sane again. Still stammered by the unfortunate event of mine… I’ve ran to KL. Suppose to work.. but then I cracked up (there’s a reason) and went back to KK a month after that. It was around May 08 until June 08.

There’s much to talk about my so called KL rehabilitation… But it’s not that important. All I can say that I’ve learnt and changed.

Awin had been trying to be in contact with me. But I’ve ignored his calls and texts. Ignorance is bliss. I just don’t have time for whores who doesn’t earn anything… but from what they’ve stolen from people before this.

Here’s a snippet of what he texted me during his partnership with Ricky…

“Why are you ignoring me?”

“It’s your fault that you never told me that you’re with Rick”.

Seriously this kid is much more sluttier than I thought.. If he already knew… Why would he still be around Ricky….Right? I mean It’s not my fault for telling the truth.. and who’s to blame for not being honest at the first place?

I was minding my own business and he bashed me up with rhetorical Qs that he would find answers inside that stinking heart of his.

Awin has a reputation... should I tell the stories? maybe next time.

Until now.. I am still confused as to why Ricky broke-up with me.. although he explained million of times. I know Rick would be reading and he would debate.. I understood the situations.. our situation. but I'm still dissatisfied with my short term relationship..

I'm hangin' on a thread until now. But I know I would be fine..

To be continued…

[ He'll never be me ]

I've been into 5 relationships. With guys. (Obviously)... I'm writing here about my previous ex and what happened back then. I'm not saying my ex is a bad person. Just that everyone made a mistake. keep in mind I'm still in contact with my exes

It's hard to reminisce the bits and pieces of it, but what the "H".

Ricky and I dated together (when I was still single lady) before he broke-up with Neo. After a few months.... I proposed Ricky twice (Hahaha... the last proposal while we were naked).

We both had a blast together.. but seems like my insecurities get the best of both of us. I asked him out a lot of many times.. so that I can be with him. And I stayed at his place almost everyday and he sent me to my workplace at STAR (Shangrila's Tanjung Aru Resort)... every mooooorning. I think he got tired of me shadowing his every step.

Then I got to know this kid from Sarawak.. namely Awin or Aluin. and eventually Ricky knew Awin as well. (Friendster is just a click away). Awin went down to KK with his family. 3 Days trip as I remembered it.
The 3 of us met the first time at Anjung Senja. The odd thing is... Ricky is sitting next to Awin..

y not me?

Over and over I asked Ricky if Awin knew that me and him are together. and the answer is still... no. That time... I knew something is wrong.

While Awin's in KK.. Ricky told me that they went out together.. a few times. and that's disturbing. Until one moment I can't stand knowing that they went out and still Awin is un-noticeable about me and Rick, I blurted out about it to Awin.

Awin was so crushed. (wonder why?) and the same goes with Ricky . I dunno. Why should Ricky be mad at me about telling the truth? Ricky erupted. He scolded me through the phone. The tantrums stll lingered in my mind. I wanted to post here. but... I can't

I was in shock mode trying to get them back as friends. I seriously have no clue why am I doing it... as the answer is there in front of me. I forced Awin to meet me. have some drinks. Apologized. and gave Awin 2 keychains as a token. Everything came back to normal.

Then one night the three of us were suppose to meet. Then Ricky told me that him and Awin will go out to tanjung aru first then would be picking me up later.

Isn't it odd? why should they be alone? my instincts went wild. I tried to call him but he refuse to answer. then he answered the last 5th time. he said he was crying. Of what?

I was imagining things. then I asked where they are.. he answered. and I know where to go. I ran from my place to that wretched gloomy beach.

I lurked behind the trees.. and saw everything.. EVERYHTING.

I called and they seem to know I was around. I stood there.. they passed me. that B**** just walked pass me without a word... A guilty pace.

Ricky had the guts to smile at me. I kept my cool down. with out a word. I almost fainted.

We were not going out finally. They figured out that I should be resting because I looked washed out (Duh!)....

I asked them to send me to the nearest cyber cafe... and Ricky... lending me his jacket. and Awin had the guts to shake my hand and smile. Like I just wanted to whipp his face with that jacket

They went off....

I texted Ricky

"I saw everything"

"We didn't do anything" he replied

" Why did u kissed him?" I answered. standing still at the pavement.

"Ok. that we need to discussed" It sounded as if it was not a big of deal. right?

So I've waited like an hour or so. I was cracking up. Nearly to commit a suicide which I rarely think about. Ricky said that he needs to accompany Awin because his parents haven't got back from somewhere. So the room to Awin's hotel is locked.

To think of it.... if I wouldn't know what had happen... would they still be waiting for Awin's room? I would be dramatizing this situation. but it could happened.

So he came eventually. I entered the car. And Ricky was sobbing saying sorry for what I saw that night. I couldnt say anything. I cant even drop a single tears. I drained my will to cry that night.

So brought me to his place (as I requested.. because I managed to get home and pack). he asked me to calm down. (Calm down?! my BF just cheated on me). I lay back. Arriving. Still blurred. We sleep that night without saying a word. As if nothing happens.

3 days after that... he broke-up with me.

To be continued....

[ It's been a while ]

I'm back.....!

Not literally though... haha...

First. I'm sorry for not writing actively here. I'm active somewhere else..(Faceboo, frisndster, work place) Well there's so much I wanna do here... it's a new year... and I think I would leave what's left of 2008's on my life shelf. So... what's goin' on with me for the past few months?

1. Gained weight
2. Still working
3. Still single
4. More drama.
5. More friends
6. More enemies

Nothin' much.. though. hehe.. just to keep it simple. just need to retrace back where the hell does my muses go... surely.. I'll write stuff more towards being in love and life's event. and maybe I'll write more about everything.

So.. I don't expect fans or loyal readers around.. just that I'm thankful to be in this page and show some colours around this dark spaces.

I'll post sumthin' up soon.... let my cat serves u here... hehhe

Remember................ [ Smirk To Save The World ]

cheers!